Swine Fever Fall Out: Part 2, Alex

You last saw me trembling and miserable in my bedroom, confessing to a sickening attraction to Frightful Freddie to a suitably sickened Cora. Well, things quickly got worse. The following evening, as I endured my purgatorially long bus journey home, my phone rang. I was listening to the radio on my hands free kit, so I answered without knowing who was calling, assuming, based on past experience, that it would be my mother. ‘Hello’, I said, peering depressively out at the hateful, hateful London traffic. ‘Hi Alice’, said the caller, (male voice, slight estuary accent) ‘I wasn’t sure you’d pick up.’ He sounded drunk and not very happy, and for several seconds I couldn’t breathe.

‘Hi Alex’, I eventually murmured back, and then, automatically, ‘how are you?’ There was another longish pause before he answered, sounding even drunker, ‘Well, I got fired. Which is fucking annoying.’ I was still struggling with the fact that I was talking to Alex – or Wanker Banker to you (see first entry) – so I only managed to say ‘Oh. I’m sorry, Alex’. I really was, too. For all his wankerishness, and the never seeing him, and his drunken implication that I was lucky to be going out with him, I’d quite adored him and I’d liked to think that his life would tick along vilely but happily without me. Anyway, the idea of Alex, of all people, being fired was unspeakable. This was really bringing the formidable evil of the credit crunch home to me.

‘So look, let’s do something, I’m sick of not seeing you’ he barked in his usual, consummately self-involved way, and my heart fluttered pathetically and unexpectedly. ‘I don’t know’, I sighed, ‘I’m quite busy’. He snorted. ‘Are you seeing someone?’ A pause. ‘…Kind of’. (A lie, obviously). ‘Kind of? What’s this guy’s name?’ Now, obviously he was being a prick, and the only appropriate answer was ‘None of your business, now I’ve got to go. I’m sorry you got fired’, but somehow what I actually said was, ‘He’s called Freddie’. Even as I said it I realised that Freddie didn’t matter at all, and I wanted more than anything to go and see Alex, which ought to have been a relief but wasn’t.

‘Freddie? Shit name. Fucking awful, actually. I’ve got to go, call me later if you want to go for a drink.’ He hung up. Ahh, Alex. How I’d missed his rudeness and abrupt adieus. Naturally I spent the rest of the bus journey in a state of wretched inner turmoil, trying and failing to re-interest myself in Freddie, and leaving panicky voicemails on a range of female friend answer machines. By the time I walked into my house, I was an image of overwrought femininity, wide-eyed with distress and only avoiding tearfulness by virtue of my stiff upper lip upbringing. I burst through the door, desperately hoping to find Laura and Jamie, staunch allies in my time of Vile Alex need, but instead getting – you guessed it – Freddie. He was standing, topless and barefoot, in the middle of the living room, apparently trying to unravel his iPod earphones.

He looked up and looked worried. ‘You alright, Ally?’ I gulped and shifted from one foot to another. ‘My ex called me’, I replied miserably. ‘He’s been fired. He wants to see me and I don’t think it’s a great idea.’ I looked up at Freddie despairingly and vaguely hoped that he would say something useful. He put his earphones down on the sofa and stood with his hands on his hips. ‘Fuck him.’ He said decisively. ‘He’s feeling a bit down because he got fired and he wants to shag you to make himself and his ego feel better. Don’t go there, Ally, you’ll only get hurt.’ I stared at him tragically and protested weakly, ‘I don’t think it’s like that’. He shrugged ‘As a bloke, I’m telling you, it is.’ There was a pregnant pause as I looked at the floor unhappily and Freddie looked at me uncertainly, before he murmured ‘Oh Ally, I’m sorry, the guy just sounds like a real prick’, and pulled me into a naked-chested embrace. ‘I know’, I muttered into his surprisingly nice-smelling shoulder, ‘he really is.’ Then he let me go a bit and looked at me for a while, and I thought he might kiss me, which was interesting because I had no idea what I’d do if he did, but actually just said, ‘Right, I have to change. Neenee’s coming over in an hour’.

‘Oh,’ I gasped, stepping back and trying not to think about his nice-smelling shoulder any more than I absolutely had to. ‘Right. I’ll go out then, I don’t want to be in your way. You know what, anyway, I think you’re wrong about Alex, I think I’m going to go and see him’. And as I said it I realised that Alex didn’t matter at all, and I wanted more than anything to stay at home with Freddie, which was ridiculous and confusing. Freddie looked irritated and shrugged.

Thus, half an hour later, ridiculous and confused, I plunged back into the London evening to meet Alex. Freddie looked me up and down as I left the house in my 2nd date outfit, but didn’t pass comment. Alex, when we met, was tipsy but surprisingly human. This meant that I also got tipsy, and found myself kissing him outside his house. He also smelled nice. Freddie-ishly nice. ‘Alex’, I blurted out, ‘do you wear Lynx?’ He pushed me away in apparent disgust. ‘No, I don’t wear fucking Lynx, what do you think I am? Fourteen? This is Tom Ford.’

This was typical Alex behaviour; vain and irritating. God, he might as well have been wearing an apricot coloured scarf. ‘Well, I’m SORRY’, I snapped back, recognizing my error in coming at all, ‘but you smell like Freddie.’ (Forgetting, obviously, that I’d pretended that I was going out with Freddie.) ‘Your new boyfriend wears LYNX?’ Alex howled, either angry or amused, I wasn’t sure which. ‘No, apparently he wears Tom Ford’, I replied, exasperated, ‘and anyway, it’s none of your business and this was a mistake and I’m going home.’ This bus journey was equally hideous, though shorter, and ended with a dark and empty living room, and a bathroom in which I found my pot of Yin Yang moisturizer with the top off. Shoreditch Whorebitch.

I woke up to a hangover, the beginnings of Freddie’s swine flu, an antagonistic text message from Alex, and the miserable realization that I’d had a dream about kissing either Freddie or Alex – I wasn’t sure which. That evening, I caught the train home to Suffolk, and embraced sickness and parental care. And the whole of this week has been spent either avoiding Freddie or having to engage in painful conversations with him that clearly neither of us enjoy.

Gah. Lowest ebb.